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I'm an 18-year-old cis hetero girl from Australia and I've been listening to your podcast and reading your column since I was 13.Thanks to you I'm pretty open minded about my sexuality and body. I started watching porn from a youngish age with no real shame attached but I have some concerns. I get off really quickly to lesbian porn but it never feels like a "good" orgasm.I'm a straight man who gets hit on fairly often by women, mostly at the gym. What I'm trying to communicate is "You're an attractive person who put yourself out there and I don't want to crush your spirit with a curt 'No.'" What is your take, Dan?I usually respond with a variation on "I would be interested but I'm married." Some of my friends argue that by saying, "I'm interested but I'm married," I'm telegraphing an interest in some sort of affair. Mutual Attraction Rarely Results In Erotic Dalliances Which is it, MARRIED: "I would be interested but I'm married" or "I am interested but I'm married"?I've kept silent because I don't want to make her feel attacked—but in the privacy of my own head, I'm calling bullshit on her asexuality.I don't particularly want to come out as asexual to her, given the circumstances. Do I need to just accept that labels are only as useful as we make them and let this go?
I usually defend her to others since she's my friend, but as a person who is starting to identify more and more as asexual, I've grown annoyed at her use of "asexual" as her identifier, to the point that this may be starting to affect our friendship.Like the guy who has a lot of gay sex but refuses to identify as gay or bi, it's possible your friend is just a messy closet case—a closeted sexual, someone who wants sex but doesn't want to be seen as the kind of person who wants sex since only bad people want sex.Some people twist themselves into the oddest knots so they can have what they want without having to admit they want it."Many people identify in this gray area under the identity of 'gray-asexual' or 'gray-a.' Examples of gray-asexuality include an individual who does not normally experience sexual attraction but does experience it sometimes; experiences sexual attraction but has a low sex drive; experiences sexual attraction and drive but not strongly enough to want to act on them; and/or can enjoy and desire sex but only under very limited and specific circumstances.Even more, many gray-asexuals still identify as asexual because they may find it easier to explain, especially if the few instances in which they felt sexual attraction were brief and fleeting.